For Demonclaw - Demonkit:ThunderClan:tom

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

Go on and post yer bio!

[Demonpaw]

Thank yers!

Name:
Demonkit
Do you honor?
Yes
Age:
6 moons old
Gender:
Tom
Appearance:
Demonkit is a black kitten with a splash of creamy white like milk color on his front two paws all the way up to his knees. He has long sleek black fur. His right eye is yellow-green and it changes to dark green with light green spots like his brother's at night. They also light up in darkness and moonlight. Demonkit is really a strong kitten, but very quiet. His muscles are not as big as his brother's but he is still very muscular. His muscles are not bulging; they are hidden under his fur. Also his left eye is not even one-third bigger than his right, and his left eye is dark yellow instead of yellow-green like his right. His long black fur has a sheen to it when the moonlight hits it. The tops of his ears also have a creamy white on them like they were dipped slightly in milk. He holds himself submissively; with body lowered, and his ears are low as well. Demonkit is not as good looking as Strongkit and his splashes of white on him make him stick out like a sore paw. He also has a splash of white on the tip of his tail the same creamy white color as his ears and legs. His nose is not the same black as his fur; it’s a more dark black like the darkest shadow.
RP Example:
Demonkit ran over to a shady part of the camp and watched the other kits play. Demonkit himself didn't do much playing with the other kits, he just liked to sit and watch. I wish my mother was here... He saw his brother walking over to him. "Hi Demonkit." meowed Strongkit. "Hi..... So aren't you going to play with the other kits?" he asked. "No... I'd rather be with my brother." Strongkit gave him an affectionate lick on the ear and lay down next to him, and took in his brother’s scent. It smelled of the nursery and fresh-kill. I guess he took some to Dawnfur... Then he remembered that she had died getting to close to the Thunderpath and remembered how he and his brother were so shocked by the news, and then he felt sad that he and Strongkit his brother don't have a living mother... Then he felt tired and fell asleep. In his dream, he dreamed he was a warrior and in a great battle and he fought with LionClan. Oh how the elders told this story so many times! It was one of his favorite. Then his dream changed, and he was with Firestar, the great leader of ThunderClan in the battle against BloodClan. The evil clan that almost destroyed the four Clans. But Firestar had banned all four clans together to drive out BloodClan. And it had worked. Then suddenly he woke up and thought how hungry he was. So he went to the pile of fresh-kill and picked up a juicy-looking vole, and took it and scrambled over to his brother who was sleeping. "Hey Strongkit! Strongkit! Wake up!" Strong kit opened his eyes and looked gratefully at the vole the was in his mouth. Demonnkit dropped it and took a bit the meat was tender and juicy. After they were done they lied down once more and fell asleep.
Clan:
ThunderClan
Rank:
Kit
Breed:
Bombay
Personality:
He doesn't talk much, but when he has something to say he says it. He is almost always laying in a shaded corner of the camp. He is very lazy but he can be easily motivated to do things like wash himself, and go on little errands for the queens, ect. And he is very serious when something bad is happening. Like his brother Strongkit, Demonkit is very clever but rarely put his smarts to use, but uses them when he has to. He greatly respects his clan and its leader. Demonkit envies apprentices, and greatly admires warriors. He likes all the queens and they're very nice to him too. He loves to go to the elders' den and listen to their stories, and he greatly admires their wisdom, and he loves hearing all the stories. He looks up to the deputy, and it’s his goal to be one. And he likes the newborn kits and how there so cute and cuddly. But there is a dark side to him. When he gets mad, it’s not very good, he has a BIG temper, and is very fierce to everyone when he is mad, even his brother. And thinks as if the whole world were against him. And makes a fit about the smallest things. Sometimes he won’t even listen to his leader if he's mad enough, but usually does. And over all he is a good kit, he can be a handful at times but it’s pretty easy to deal with it.
History:
When his mother died in labor, Demonkit and Strongkit were the only two born. But their father died when they were 1 moon old. But now a she-cat named Dawnfur is taking care of them, but recently she died getting to close to the Thunderpath. But now they are only 1 moon away from being an apprentice. His parents named him Demonkit because he is very fierce. When he was just one and a half moon old he opened his eyes and scratched his brother above his left eye and left a mark that would be there for the rest of his brother’s life.
Pictures:
none.....sadly....

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

1. Change your name to Demonkit, please, with a capital D.
2. 6 moons old is the age of an apprentice. Make that 5 moons old.
3. Appearance is waaaaaay too short. It needs ten lines at the least. Check out some of the accepted bios to look at length.
4. RP example needs 6 - preferably 8 - more lines. We don't count the speech as RP, so that reduces length. Also, in the sentence 'I rather be with my brother', the I should be I'd. The thoughts should be in italics. There should be a dot after the first 'Strongkit'.
5. There is no space between 'Thunder' and 'Clan' in 'ThunderClan'.
6. Personality should also be ten lines long.
7. History should be at least five lines long. 'There' should be 'their'. The 'a' before the word 'apprentice' should be 'an'.

[Demonpaw]

3. Appearance is waaaaaay too short. It needs ten lines at the least. Check out some of the accepted bios to look at length.
i know.... but what if thats all he looks like?
6. Personality should also be ten lines long.
i can't make it ten lines long....

[Snowstar]

* Appears from shadows*

Sorry if I'm not supposed to post, but I saw this thread and I want to give some advice. Does he have any unusual markings, any scars? Why is he named Demonkit? I got an idea, but I don't think I can say it. Anyways, you could explain if there are any unusual charistics about him; big ears? Long tail? Abnormally large eyes? Um, are his claws really, really long, like Tigerclaw's? Does he have sharp teeth?

And for history I noticed that you need another line and, there has too be atleast something that made his parents name him Demonkit - if not because of his looks. Because I think, that's a pretty unusal name to give a kit. For personality, you can explain how he's quiet, like what does he do? What kind of 'smarts' does he have and how does he put them to good use? Does he help others with them? Um and that's all I have to say and I'm sorry again if I'm not supposed to post here.

*Shrivles back into shadows.*

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[Demonpaw]

Oh great! Thanks that could help me alot! Ok thanks again I chagned it.

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

Answer to between parentheses on appearance:
Maybe, but that's Erin Hunter. Here, it's Spideh, Katze, Kagit and Kiibeh, and we want ten lines. No less.
Try to describe the yellow of his eyes or the black of his pelt. Any subtle variations inside it? A strange sheen, or abnormal dullness? Short hair or long hair? Where exactly are the white spots? Toes? Elbows? Is he bulky with muscle, or stream-lined? Does he really look like a tom or does he have feminine traits? If he does, what are they? Slender legs? Fine head? Elegant pose? How does he hold himself? Bravely, with chest thrust out? Submissively, with body lowered? Or aggressively perhaps, glaring in all directions?
If one of his eyes is a mouse-tail bigger than the other, then he must have one eye the size of a small pebble and the other the side of a tennis ball. Strange, that.
The grammar isn't totally correct. There should be dots where there are commas.
The RP example should have around five more lines. Getting better, but things are missing. Try to thoroughly describe what Demonkit sees around him, what smells are on the air, what things he can hear. Describe the clearing. What he and his sibling look like. That makes it considerably longer, I tell ya.
'Worrier' should be 'warrior', or else yer saying he's concerned all the time, which makes it quite hilarious xDD
Did you know that lions are underpants? I hope so. 'Cause you spelled LionClan wrong.
I'm not making fun of you, so please don't get missy. I just can't help noticing that these spelling mistakes or typos are considerably comical.
Of course there's more to his personality! What does he act like with kits? Apprentices? Warriors? Elders? Leaders and Deputies? And alone? Quiet just doesn't put it all together. Is he joyful, or does he mope around? Friendly with others or aggressive? Bold? Proud? Egoistic? Flirty? Cold? Withdrawn? Open? Tired? Sprightly? Oh, and by the way, there are still some grammar mistakes, and you said 'his brother Demonkit' instead of 'his brother Strongkit'.
Spelling and grammar mistakes in History.
Getting better! Good job!

[Demonpaw]

There! Hopefuly thats all the redoing i'll have to do....

[Moonstorm]

If its not too bold...

I just scanned the rp example and came up with the following:

Sixth line of the rp example, sent should be scent.

Seventh line of the rp example, there should be a comma between dream and he. Also, "and he was on the LionClan side" might read better as, "and he fought with LionClan."

Ninth line of the rp example, favorite should be favorites. Also, when mentioning Firestar, you should say "he was with Firestar, the great leader of ThunderClan," because that's his specific position and the commas state that it is his position.

Tenth and Eleventh lines of the rp example, Clan should be capitalized.

Last line of the rp example should be "juicy-looking" rather than "juicy looking."

Frosteh

[Demonpaw]

Ok thats not to bad. Thanks.

[Demonpaw]

i fixed it

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

For the appearance, the eyes are still too disformed.
A few grammar mistakes. Correct those, please.
Where exactly are the spots? Spread mainly on his heels and then lessening in number as they go down to his toes? Or perhaps the opposite? Or evenly spread? There needs to be five more lines to appearance still. Describe the colors of his eyes. What kind are they? Glowing yellow, like neon? Sunny yellow? Dusty yellow, dull? And what kind of dark green or pale green is it? Pale as in the color of stagnant water, or green shoots? Dark as in the color of pine needles or ageing leaves? Rot, perhaps?
I sure hope his muscles aren't as big as his brother, or he would surely be some kind of mutant.
-hinthintnudgenudge-
Mistake there.
Another thing: what kind of black and white is it? Creamy white, like the color of yogurt? Or brilliant white, like snow? Even dirty white, which is a sorta grayish hue. And what about the black? Stormy black, like dark and bruisy? Or ebony black, where he melts into shadows? Perhaps even swirling black. It's a bit like stormy black, but seems to shift and change when you look at it.
Short ears? Long ears? Is he short, tall, or average? Now that you've spoken about the size of his sinew, could you speak about his bulk? Is he slim or fat? Thick-boned, perhaps? And about the pose. What else shows that he is submissive? Ears pulled back? Low head? Downcast gaze?
One more line for RP example.
You don't say 'walk'. That's too overrated. Does his brother pad over, crawl, wriggle, pounce, saunter, skip, march, creep, skitter, scramble? Describe his brother a bit more as he approaches.
Why doesn't Demonkit talk much? And how does he act around leaders, deputies, etc?
Need five more lines at the least on Personality.
On history, you say that Demonkit isvery fierce. Towards whom? And why don't you say so in the personality?

[Demonpaw]

THERE! I did it! I put ten lines for both appearance and personality!

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

Okees... lemme see over it.
Three grammar mistakes in appearance.
A few grammar mistakes in personality.
Grammar mistakes also in History.
Please fix those. Otherwise, it's great!

[Demonpaw]

ok i think i fixed it.