For Demonclaw - Strongkit:ThunderClan:tom

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

There ya go ^w^

[Demonpaw]

Thanks!


Name:
Strongkit
Do you honor?:
Yes
Age:
6 Moons old
Gender:
Tom
Appearance:
Strongkit is a handsome strong looking black kitten with creamy white, milk-colored spots on his legs, on the top of his two upper paws clustered underneath his knee. His eyes are a dark green that have slits of light green in them, as green as the first leaf in new-leaf. They light up in darkness and moonlight, and shine as bright as the sun. Strongkit is really a strong kitten, and very energetic. His muscles are big for a kit's size, but not monstrously muscular. He also has a scar mark where his brother scratched him: in the shape of an X, right above his left eye. His long black pelt shines in the moonlight, and looks eerie-gray. He holds himself bravely, with chest thrust out, perked ears, head high. He has purple-blue pupils that blend into the rest of his eyes. His nose is black like the rest of him, (except his two front paws, which are milky white) and blends in. The end of his tail is dipped in a creamy white color like milk, the same color that he has on his two front feet.
RP Example:
Strongkit went out of the warriors' den and out the gorse tunnel. This was just a dream, but it seemed as though he had been out here so many times. As he jumped over a log his muscles flexed smoothly under the sun. The sun felt hot on his pelt as he crossed the forest. He opened his mouth to smell the air. The trees, a stream and... A mouse! Strongkit thought. Then he went down on his belly, and saw it before he heard it. The mouse was nibbling on something, not paying attention to anything around it, which was not smart. Then he pounced. It squeaked and ran but it was too late. He finished it off quickly, then went back to camp and dropped it in the pile of fresh kill. He looked around camp and smelled his brother but couldn't see him.
"Strongkit, Strongkit! Wake up!"
Strongkit woke up to see his brother Demonkit, standing over him with a vole clamped firmly in his jaws, and dropped it down next to him. His brother sat down next to him and they shared the vole.
Clan:
ThunderClan
Rank:
Kit (almost an apprentice)
Breed:
Bombay
Personality:
Strongkit is very talkative. He is almost always in a cheerful mood, because he doesn't like to linger on his past. But is serious when something bad is happening, because he knows when something bad is happening you stay calm and be serious. He is actually very clever, he always finds something funny, and shares it with everyone. Strongkit always has great ideas, and isn't afraid to tell other cats about them. He greatly respects his clan and its leader, as well as the warriors, and the queens are nice to him and his brother, and the elders always tell him a story! And he is good at making friends. He loves his brother and wants what’s best for him. But sometimes he seems so far away. He is very shy around she-cats, and always avoids them. Unless they're older and/or mated. But usually he acts nice, and playful around other cats. He always bows to his superiors, even apprentices.
History:
His mother died in labor, so Strongkit and Demonkit were the only two she had. Their father died when they were 1 moon old but now they're only 1 moon away from being an apprentice. After their father died Strongkit watched over Demonkit to make sure that nothing happened to him. But now Dawnfur takes care of them, but just recently she died from getting to close to the Thunderpath. But now their almost apprentices! (Strongkit is the older one.)
Pictures:
3xt.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/black-cat.jpg
(copy and paste to see.)

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

1. Appearance should be at least eight lines longer. Also, there should be an 'and' before the first 'they'.
2. First thing, kits are not allowed outside. Second, they can't hunt anything except beetles or insects because they aren't trained yet. And third, they would not be able to cross the forest alone. No way, no how. Lastly, the example should have four or five more lines.
3. Make the age 5 moons. 6 moons is for an apprentice.
4. The personality should be around six or seven lines longer. You should delete on of the 'is' at the beginning of the third sentence.
5. The history should be one or two lines longer. There should be a 'so' or something along those lines before 'Strongkit'. The first 'there' should be 'their'. The second 'there' should be 'they're'. The third 'there' should be 'their'.

[Demonpaw]

I fixed it!

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

Appearance: look at your other bio. I've got plenty of tips there.
RP example: it is to see how well you write, but we also see if you know the world of Warriors enough. So please fix that, since you haven't. Grammar and spelling mistakes. Three more lines needed because there's quite a bit of speech there.
Personality: read yer other bio. Plenty of tips for that, too.
History: one more line needed. Spelling mistakes.
Go on! Yer getting there! Yeh, I know I'm demanding, but I'm an admin, so... yeh. Admin are like that xP

[Demonpaw]

Here you are!

[Demonpaw]

i fixed it

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

Five more lines needed for appearance. How big are the spots? Where exactly are they on his legs [toes, knee, heel, etc.]? Are they spread out, or clustered? Describe the green, not just by saying it's pale or dark. What else shows that he is brave? High head? Perked ears? Bold, striding movements?
Good change for the RP example. Make it a dream. So that's done with, normally...
Except for a few grammar and spelling mistakes to correct.
Why does he talk a lot? Why is he almost always happy? Why does he become serious? How does he act around others? Playful, joyful, friendly, distant, aggressive, sarcastic, etc?
Still quite a few mistakes in grammar and spelling throughout the bio, but yer getting there!

[Demonpaw]

I fixed it and used spell check!

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

Grammar mistakes in appearance. Spell-check doesn't do those, so you'll have to find 'em.
Grammar mistakes in RP example.
Spelling mistake in personality. Note: It would pass through the spell-check.
Getting there! Keep going!

[Demonpaw]

ok i think i fixed it.

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

This is taking a long time, so I'll just fix those mistakes.

Appearance - Strongkit is a handsome strong looking black kitten with creamy white like milk colored, spots on his legs, on the top of his two upper paws clustered underneath his nee. His eyes are a dark green that have slits of light green in them, as green as the first leaf in new-leaf. They light up in darkness and moonlight, and shine as bright as the sun. Strongkit is really a strong kitten, and very energetic. His muscles are big for a kits size but not monster muscular. Also has a scar mark where his brother scratched him. In the shape of an X, right above his left eye. His long black pelt shines in the moonlight, and looks eerie-gray. He holds himself bravely, with chest thrust out, perked ears, head high. He has purple-blue pupil’s that blend in to the rest of his eyes. His nose is black like the rest of him, (except his two front paws, which are milky white.) and blends in. The end of his tail is dipped in a creamy white color like milk, the same color that he has on his two front feet.

Correction - Strongkit is a handsome strong looking black kitten with creamy white, milk-colored spots on his legs, on the top of his two upper paws clustered underneath his knee. His eyes are a dark green that have slits of light green in them, as green as the first leaf in new-leaf. They light up in darkness and moonlight, and shine as bright as the sun. Strongkit is really a strong kitten, and very energetic. His muscles are big for a kit's size, but not monstrously muscular. He also has a scar mark where his brother scratched him: in the shape of an X, right above his left eye. His long black pelt shines in the moonlight, and looks eerie-gray. He holds himself bravely, with chest thrust out, perked ears, head high. He has purple-blue pupils that blend into the rest of his eyes. His nose is black like the rest of him, (except his two front paws, which are milky white) and blends in. The end of his tail is dipped in a creamy white color like milk, the same color that he has on his two front feet.

RP example - Strongkit went out of the warriors den and out the gorse tunnel. This was just a dream, but it seemed as though he had been out here so many times. As he jumped over a log his muscles flexed smoothly under the sun. The sun felt hot under his pelt as he crossed the forest. He opened his mouth to smell the air. The trees, a stream and... A mouse! Strongkit thought. Then he went down on his belly, and saw it before he heard it. The mouse nibbling on something, not paying attention to anything around him, which was not smart. Then he pounced. It squeaked and ran but it was too late. He finished it off quickly, then went back to camp and dropped it in the pile of fresh kill. He looked around camp and smelled his brother but couldn't see him. "Strongkit, Strongkit! Wake up!" Strongkit woke up to see his brother Demonkit, standing over him with a vole clamped firmly in his jaws, and dropped it down next to him. His brother sat down next to him and they shared the vole.

Correction - Strongkit went out of the warriors' den and out the gorse tunnel. This was just a dream, but it seemed as though he had been out here so many times. As he jumped over a log his muscles flexed smoothly under the sun. The sun felt hot on his pelt as he crossed the forest. He opened his mouth to smell the air. The trees, a stream and... A mouse! Strongkit thought. Then he went down on his belly, and saw it before he heard it. The mouse was nibbling on something, not paying attention to anything around it, which was not smart. Then he pounced. It squeaked and ran but it was too late. He finished it off quickly, then went back to camp and dropped it in the pile of fresh kill. He looked around camp and smelled his brother but couldn't see him.
"Strongkit, Strongkit! Wake up!"
Strongkit woke up to see his brother Demonkit, standing over him with a vole clamped firmly in his jaws, and dropped it down next to him. His brother sat down next to him and they shared the vole.

Personality - Strongkit is very talkative. He is almost always in a cheerful mood, because he doesn't like to linger on his past. But is serious when something bad is happening, because he knows when something bad is happening you stay calm and be serious. He is actually very clever, he always finds something funny, and shares it with everyone. Strongkit always has great ideas, and isn't afraid to tell other cats about them. He greatly respects his clan and its leader, and the warriors, and the queens are nice to him and his brother, and the elders always tell him a story! And is good at making friends. He loves his brother and wants what’s best for him. But sometimes he seems so far away. He is very shy around she-cats, and always avoids them. Unless there older and/or mated. But usually he acts nice, and playful around other cats. He always bows to his superiors, even apprentices.

Correction - Strongkit is very talkative. He is almost always in a cheerful mood, because he doesn't like to linger on his past. But is serious when something bad is happening, because he knows when something bad is happening you stay calm and be serious. He is actually very clever, he always finds something funny, and shares it with everyone. Strongkit always has great ideas, and isn't afraid to tell other cats about them. He greatly respects his clan and its leader, as well as the warriors, and the queens are nice to him and his brother, and the elders always tell him a story! And he is good at making friends. He loves his brother and wants what’s best for him. But sometimes he seems so far away. He is very shy around she-cats, and always avoids them. Unless they're older and/or mated. But usually he acts nice, and playful around other cats. He always bows to his superiors, even apprentices.

There ya go!

[Demonpaw]

*Slaps self in the face* Im sorry to make you do it... I just can't spell.... And I have RELLY bad grammar....

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

Practice makes perfect <33 I had those problems when I began. Just read a lot. That helps tons.

Accepted!