Farg, What Have I Done?

[Shadepelt]

[[Chaos! -waves hand- Over here!]]

Guilt is the most painful feeling anything can ever experience. If you were dying a horrible painful death, but still you knew that you had done it for the good of others, that physical pain would be gone when you died, and you wouldn't feel horrible about it later. Guilt tears through you, not letting you eat or sleep properly until you finally appologize or fess up to what you did.
Shadepelt hadn't felt more guilty in her life.
Well, that wasn't really fair; the ebon feline had never really felt many emotions [especially not guilt] until she had met Thade. Upon meeting him, all sorts of weird emotions and feelings were coming up out of nowhere, whether conjured up by herself, or some other cat. In this case, the warrior had been wounded by words spoken by another cat [Aleah, to be exact], but upon later pondering, had found that her clanmate hadn't ment her harm at all. It was then that the searing pain had swept through her body and soul, making the cat feel horrible about herself.
The ground was dry and dusty, and Shadepelt's lengthy tail twitched nervously; she wouldn't blame Aleah if she blew up in her face. After all, the spotted and striped she-cat had helped her realize her true feelings about Thade; whom she had avoided for this single moment [though she didn't like not having his company] to talk to Aleah.
Dainty black paws tred an uneven gait across the camp, until she found herself standing before the warrior's den, where she was hoping her fellow female would be. Inhaling deeply a few times to calm herself, the raven-hued femme strod warily inside.
Inky shadows were draped around the den like large sooty sheets, creating an atramentous feel to the enclosed space. Being darkly hued herself, Shadepelt was practicly invisible; only her intence sapphire optics could be seen through the shrouding blackness. Not clearly seeing any figures that could be living creatures, the warrior ventured as far as speaking her requests.
"Aleah? Are you there?"
The meow was soft, but pleading. The she-cat felt horrible for what she had done, and truthfully she had no idea why she had done that. Love does that kind of thing, I suppose.

[[Ugh, crappish I know! ]]

[Chaos]

((*waves hand erratically* Hi!))
Instead of meeting the large azure orbs that appeared to be floating in the darkness, Aleah looked down. Sure, Shadepelt sounded penitent. But she wouldn't have this power to hurt if she weren't a master of deception, as well. After all, she had been able to sound perfectly decent the first time Aleah had gotten her alone. She almost liked Thade's approach better. He wasn't trying to even pretend he was sorry, he hated her openly. Why, she still couldn't understand. But wait. Maybe she wouldn't just ignore Shadepelt's appeal, as she'd been planning to. Shadpelt needed a wake-up call, and since Aleah obviously hadn't gotten through to her the first two times, well, try try again.
"Yes, I should've just left you out of my tirade," she told the pair of eyes levitating in the blackness, her voice low and heated. "Yes, maybe I got carried away. But you know what? The way I see it - and I'm a pretty good judge of character - had you been me, you wouldn't be here talking to me right now. You would've left already, boiling mad, ready to hate me forever. But I've forgiven you already once, and I've put the second time behind me enough to be talking to you, haven't I?
"I tried to see things how you would see them, and I tried my best to understand. I saw that you were desperate back there, when you made fun of me, mocked me to my superiors. I suppose it never occurred to you that the Clan deputy, should he not like me for some reason, could make my life absolutely miserable. Well, I forgave you. I explained my circumstances to you as best I could. And then you chose to hate me for that, too. Even then I relayed it in my mind, trying to see how you could've misunderstood. I gave you the benefit of the doubt."
She turned slightly, her voice growing a little louder, more confrontational.
"All I ever wanted was for cats to try to get to know me, not judge me on a few seconds' notice. But no, Thade wouldn't even grant me the small favour of explaining what I did, on the small hope that maybe you'd understand. You both made me feel small, and weak, and scared, like the whole thing was my fault. That's just not right."
Finally, in the burst of her righteousness, Aleah met Shadepelt's eyes.

[Shadepelt]

[[I'll post in a bit, but I just wanted to let you know that Thade isn't here, and Shadepelt dosen't want him to come because she wants to talk to Aleah alone.]]

[Chaos]

((But Aleah just talked to Thade, she was yelling at him too. Never mind. I'll change it. ))

[Shadepelt]

[[Oh, okes. -sheepish smile-]]

Instead of being increasingly nervous, Shadepelt was actually relieved to hear Aleah's voice. It dawned on her that her fellow she-cat was very forgiving, as the spotted and striped feline had already begun to explain. As the inky femme got used to the darkness, she could just barely make out the tan cat's slim figure, and kept her gaze fixed on it. The she-cat wasn't looking directly into her ice blue eyes, so the ebon cat gazed on with her optics [that were on the verge of tears, as Aleah's touching speech tore thorugh her heart] on what seemed like the spotted warrior's head.
"I know." Her voice was hoarse, as if it hadn't been used in many a moon. "And I can't speak for Thade, but I am very, truly sorry. I acted like a piece of fox-dung back there, and I hope you can forgive me."
Now that Aleah's eyes were staring back into her own, Shadepelt felt it was her turn to talk. Inhaling deeply, she prepared herself for an outburst of emotion.
'Outburst of emotion', was the biggest understatement in the world.
"Alright, here are my pathetic reasons I wasn't myself back there. I-I-I havn't felt such a variety of feelings in my life!" Tears suddenly sprung from her oculars, flowing in rivers down her pretty face.
"I was never really an emotional cat, not until Thade came along. We were racing out in the field, and mouse-brained me fell over a fargging cliff. He saved me, and we spent a quarter-moon in the medicine cat's den together. Aleah, he means the world to me, and---and yes I do love him. With all my heart, and I might not have realized that as soon if it weren't for you. Thanks." She parted her lips and gave her clanmate a heartfelt smile. "But when he became deputy, I thought he'd be too busy for me. He told me not to worry, but then my feelings got all messed up. I've always been jelous for your looks just a little, but I thought that if I looked as good as you do, I'd have a less chance of losing Thade. But what I did back there was stupid, and I hope we can be friends."
Shadepelt took several moments to choke down the lump in her throat, and blink away her hot, salty tears. Then she gave Aleah a serious stare, and spoke her next words strongly.
"I'm sorry."
There. That felt better. It was as if all of StarClan had been lifted off her back, and it felt better than anything in the world [exept her love for Thade of course].
Ebon fur still, her long, scarred legs froze; not allowing her to budge from her spot. The femme wouldn't leave without a reply, positive or not.

[Chaos]

Aleah wasn't sure whether to extend forgiveness or anger to Shadepelt at first. She'd been hurt - badly - by Shadepelt and Thade. For a few seconds she wavered on the edge of telling her unlikely companion to go drown herself in the river. It was tempting. Good StarClan, it was tempting! How many times was she going to let her heart be ripped apart? Was she opening herself to more ridicule? But her forgiving personality won over her cautiousness. Almost without knowing why her mouth was moving, she replied, "It's okay."
But once she had said those two little words, they freed her, to think about Shadepelt's speech. She actually felt sorry for this confused she-cat, she realized. Strong emotions could make a cat say and do strange things, nocat knew that better than Aleah! She knew that Shadepelt wasn't that sociable a cat, she didn't know how to deal with friendships, let alone love. It had to be hard on her to have hurt Aleah this much, because at bottom she sensed that her companion was a decent cat. A little stubborn, but definitely decent. She wasn't the sort to go off bullying others just because she felt like it. She had really misunderstood Shadepelt, and she wished she'd known that sooner.
"I'm sorry too. I... I guess I was a little bit oversensitive. Maybe I shouldn't have reacted so strongly. But you know when somebody pokes an old wound? They don't have to poke it hard, maybe they just touch it or brush it. But it hurts anyways. Real bad. So you react, maybe stronger than is necessary. That's sort of what I felt, I guess. Females shun me because the toms they admire take off after me. Toms shy away from me because I'm too pretty, I scare them, they don't want to fall in love with me." She didn't care anymore whether Shadepelt was listening. It felt good just to get it out. "On the surface, sure, I'm popular. I'm funny, exuberant... but nocat really trusts me enough to really want to be my friend. Mostly what they do is they use me, because I'm pretty and higher up in the pecking order, to get to the cats they really want." Talking about being used reminded her suddenly of Thade. She sighed, suddenly feeling a thousand moons old. She didn't want to tell Shadepelt this part of the story. She desperately wanted her Clanmate - whom she now thought of as her friend, despite all else - to just think of her love how she wanted to. But she'd gone this far...
"Shadepelt? I'm really, really sorry if this hurts you. I don't think you had too much of a part in this... guilt by association, I guess. Association with... well... Thade."
There. It was out. Let Shadepelt do with it what she would.

[Shadepelt]

The femme's stomach felt constricted, and her heartbeat started thumping faster and faster as she waited for her clanmate's answer. Would Aleah ever forgive her for what she had done? Shadepelt was hoping the tan she-cat would understand that she had been overcome by emotions, and hadn't really thought about her actions. As her fellow warrior replied, a large sigh of relief exploded from her lungs, and she smiled widely. Sinking into a sitting position on her strong haunches, she pricked her pointed auds and listened intently to what Aleah had to say.
In truth, the inky-black female had totally misunderstood the spotted feline. On the outside, Aleah did look funny and pretty, always with some kind of cat or another. And, Shadepelt remembered from apprenticeship that she had always been bubbly and energetic, if not a bit annoying. Now fully grown, the tan fae had matured considerably, but still had considerable amounts of spunk and energy. Now that she'd heard the whole story, Aleah's life didn't seem as sparkling as it looked on the outside. Perhaps it was because the ebon warrior had never really had friends before now, and that every cat seemed lucky and happy in her cobalt eyes.
"Huh?" the WindClan cat mumbled as her new friend apologized before telling her something; something that Shadepelt didn't understand even when the she-cat told her.
"Sorry Aleah," she meowed slowly. "Ummm, I don't really understand. Could you maybe, eh, reword that somehow?"
Aleah was smart as well, and some of the things she said didn't really make sense to the shadowy fae.

[Chaos]

Aleah blanched. She had hoped that Shadepelt would take the hint - it had been the most delicate way she could say it. She didn't want to hurt her Clanmate, something told her that Shadepelt hadn't had many happy times in her life. And happiness was so fragile. She knew that from experience. But she valued truth as well as delicacy, so she had to find some way to tell her. Swallowing hard, she replied,
"It wasn't you that really hurt me. It was Thade. I don't know if you noticed that I asked him to tell you something. It mightn't have been important to him, I really am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. But... I wasn't being as oversensitive as you might have thought when I... blew up back there. I was trying harder than you thought to make you two happy. Ask Thade what happened," she finished. She had tried hard not to be bitter, but a certain bit of the rawness in her heart had crept into her voice. "Maybe he'll tell you if it's just you. And if he tells you?" she added, still nervous. "I don't know how much you know about me - probably not much - but I'm not comfortable around authority figures. You might say I'm even afraid of them."
Please, please, she begged whatever divine entity might be listening at the moment. Please don't make her hate me. I've had enough hatred directed at me for a lifetime. And we might really become friends. Friends. She wondered if it could happen. Shadepelt seemed like a decent cat - more decent than Thade, she thought. Judging from how he'd acted towards her, he definitely didn't deserve Shadepelt. But Shadepelt did deserve happiness, and if Thade made her happy, then she was glad she'd brought them together.