Winterkit & Twilightkit

[flamingstar]

Name: Twilightkit, Winterkit

Do you honor?: Yes, Yes

Age: 5 moons, 5 moons

Gender: She-Cat, She-Cat

Appearance: Twilightkit has black and white fluffy fur with golden paws. She also has two icy blue eyes. Winterkit has pure white fluffy fur with a black tail and golden paws. She also has two icy blue eyes.

RP Example: Twilightkit padded through the nursery. There was an intruder. It was a dangerous one too. A MOUSE!!She was copying how the apprentices did it. First she got into a crouch and got ready to leap."One, two, and GO," she said to herself as she leaped on the the mouse. "I caught it," she meowed happily. Then she padded into a conner to eat it. "Yum, nice fresh kill that I caught," Twilightkit meowed. Then her sister padded over. "Hey Twilightkit, will you share with me?" her sister Winterkit asked. "Of course Winterkit," she meowed. "Thanks," Winterkit meowed back. "Anyways, Winterkit where have you been?" Twilightkit asked Winterkit. "Um, I was-was out with a warrior," She told her. "Did mother know," Twilightkit asked. "Of course," Winterkit meowed. "What were you doing," She asked her. " I was still in camp, but I wanted to leave so a warrior took me out for a little. Only to find a bird I saw earlier," Winterkit meowed. "Ok, just wondering," Twilightkit meowed to her sister shaking her head. Then they curled up together and fell into a sleep. Wind then blowed into the nursery. It seemed like winter was coming! Almost all the warriors were out hunting, but their leader stayed with some warriors to watch the camp.

Clan: RiverClan

Rank: Kits

Breed: Maine Coons

Personality: They are very naughty at times, but they can be angels. They like to annoy to older warriors and apprentices. When they are happy they'll be kind to other people instead of just there friends. They are also very nasty fighters, which is good some times.

History: They are too young to remember it all.

Codewords: "Zeik" & "The Ancient Ways"

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

That's good, but can you add a little more to your RP example, and go over it?

Thanks.

[flamingstar]

I added a little!

[Flintpelt [Spideh]]

There's a lot of diologue, but not enough non-diologue.

[Spiderbreath||Soul]

I think that, without the dialogue, it would only make nine sentences. Try to enter when someone new speaks, as in:
"Blablabla," says something. Nyehnyehyeninsertdescriptionhere.
"Blublublu," dudeguy answered.
Okee?
And put more description. That helps quite a bit n_n

[Shadowspirit]

Spiderbreath's right, that way you can get it accepted faster, trust me I know what it feels like to be rejected over and over and over again!lol

[Silverstream]

We're not rejecting you over and over and over agian, its just that you aren't putting in all the qualifications.

[Spiderbreath||Soul]

Okee.
Just a few more things:
Make sure to check your spelling.
Since you're talking about them at the same time in the history, you should change 'is' to 'are', 'an angel' to 'angels', etc.

[Silverstream]

In my opinion, you should add more detail about what the cats are doing. There can be alot of dialogue, but you should try to have what the cats are doing, even if its just: "And why would that be?" asked Moonriver, tilting his head at an odd angle. It's better than: "And why would that be?" said Moonriver. Just a few tips!

[flamingstar]

I added a non-dialoge sentence

[Loudthunder]

No offence, since you'll probably be my future leader soon if one of the admins gets on soon.....But you might want to check spelling again, there are quite a few mistakes. Like I said no offence.........

[Spiderbreath||Soul]

I also think there are quite a few spelling mistakes. I counted eight, though there may be more.
The RP example is long enough, okay. But there are still some things that need to be put to plural.

[Katze]

Is this character accepted?

[Spiderbreath||Soul]

Nope. Spelling still needs to be corrected, and stuff put to plural.

[flamingstar]

There I fixed it